Three Months Free

For my Brother... Who I could never explain this feeling to, I hope this helps, and I hope you never feel this way.

    Three months ago I struggled with migraines, chest pains and paranoia. I couldn't explain my feelings and everything hurt.
I kept my anxiety/depression off of social media for years because it wasn't real to me. It was all in my head and people who had these things were weird and seeking attention.  Now that I am finally getting a handle on it I think it's time to share what it's actually about. (This leaves out bullying (School and religious groups), and work factors that contributed)

When I was 11 I started to get chest pains, I had insomnia and random panic attacks about my family being killed or not coming back to my brother and I. Anxiety had worked it's way into my life in a very real way and was taking over my thoughts and my life. I stopped going to birthdays, social events and some days even school.

For a few years after moving into a new house my anxiety was curbed. After a variety of different events my chest pains resurfaced, this time causing me physical ailment. After my appendix surgery my anxiety came back to me even faster. I stopped going out all together. Parties with my grad class became non existent, eating out, even going to family events became a chore. I couldn't leave my house.

After a Dr's appointment mistakenly had me thinking I had Gall stones I worked myself into a downward spiral, landing myself in the ER for ultra sounds and blood testing, bringing back past memories from my emergency appendectomy. I was given an Ativan to calm down... Even writing about this is hard.

The Ativan kept me calm (and loopy) until the Dr's could deduce that I didn't have anything "wrong" with me. I was depressed. I had severe anxiety. I was a "mixed bag".
They prescribed me with Sertaline and wanted me to see a psychologist to make sure I wouldn't hurt myself or anyone else.
But I did hurt myself. Everyday I thought there was something more wrong with me because I could never just accept that my anxiety was the only "problem". I mentally drained myself over thinking every little detail in my life. I was emotionally run down from negative self talk and in the early years of my anxiety and depression even considered alternative ways out.
For months after I couldn't go out, I ruined my friendships, I didn't eat properly and I frequently thought there was something wrong with me. I was constantly exhausted, always in a different mood that even I couldn't predict and procrastinating about the littlest things. I couldn't explain to my brother why I was crying when I drove him home from school, or even explain what anxiety was and what it did to your brain, your friends, and your outings. How much it distanced you from your friends, your family, how everyone thought you were cold and rude but you were so terrified to look another person in the eye that it made you sick. Every day.

After almost a year the physiologist told me that she wanted to up my dosage of medication to keep my emotions in check. I told her I didn't want more medication, I wanted to understand what was going on so I could help myself and not let anyone else have to deal with me when I was angry, then sad, then happy,  then angry again. She said that there was a good chance of me being on medication for the rest of my life and wrote "x2" on the prescription pad.

I found Counsellor after Counsellor until one didn't try to medicate me and didn't study me. She told me I was normal for once. I went to an osteopath who told me a broken rib had pressed into my adrenals causing emotional Rollercoasters. I found alternatives to my medication including healthy eating, hiking, and training my brain for positive self talk. I quit my medication cold turkey and went through two weeks of withdrawls including migraines,  insomnia,  random emotional swings, anger, random pains and neglecting my family and friends, no matter how much they tried to help.

It's been three months since my last migraine and my last little yellow pill. I'm booking an off continent trip and I have my family (dog included) and friends to thank for all of their support.  For everyday I yelled and cried, not knowing why and everytime they told me it was ok, for the 3 year anniversary I had to postpone, everyday I couldn't drag myself out of bed so they just lay there with me, and everyday I didn't know why I was so angry. I'm so thankful for my support system and the alternative practices that helped me get to where I am today.