What am I doing?

I'm sore all over from working a job I actually enjoy for once, and not sleeping at night because I'm panicking about life.

No reason in particular, just the fact that I have no idea what the heck I'm doing. I'm 20, fresh out of teenage hood and finished my first year of schooling, now beginning to doubt everything I've ever thought about in life.
I had a recent set back which took me back to when I was alone and scared. My parents were divorced and not speaking which made it tough for me to get any information to or from them. I found a group I thought would help and they did for a while... Until everything went wrong. I lost friends, connections, and people I thought I could genuinely trust in my life.
Why is this affecting me now? I have no idea. It's something that still hasn't left me. It still keeps me up at night- Why would someone do these things? Why did this happen? What could I have done to stop it?

It put me back in 16 year old me's shoes, what was she doing? She was an anxiety ridden mess trying to get away from people and hide from everything... Then I realised I hadn't changed at all.

Deep down we're all still children who lacked something; Attention, a hug, that friend you could always turn to. In that moment of thinking about 16 year old me I remembered what she would have wanted. She wanted adventure into the middle of nowhere, pick a spot and pitch a tent. Get on a plane with a ticket you bought the day before. Take and major in Journalism because why not! Be spontaneous.

Hate to break it to you 16 year old Grae, you're scared of everything and everything is expensive.
This year I had 2 panic attacks that landed me in the hospital. I took a job that had me travelling around a 10 hour valley and staying in hotels by myself, being adventurous.
So I worked. I finally got enough money to buy myself a new lens, pay for school and start saving for a couple of trips to bust me out of my comfort zone.

It's time.

It's time for people to start realizing that you're not going to be established at 20 now-a-days. So major in Astronomy, or Fine Arts. Move away, get a hamster, say yes to life. Be Spontaneous.
Next year I'm hopping on a plane, or in a car and going. Anywhere that will allow me good photos. I finally want to give 16 year old me what she needed.

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