What am I doing?

I'm sore all over from working a job I actually enjoy for once, and not sleeping at night because I'm panicking about life.

No reason in particular, just the fact that I have no idea what the heck I'm doing. I'm 20, fresh out of teenage hood and finished my first year of schooling, now beginning to doubt everything I've ever thought about in life.
I had a recent set back which took me back to when I was alone and scared. My parents were divorced and not speaking which made it tough for me to get any information to or from them. I found a group I thought would help and they did for a while... Until everything went wrong. I lost friends, connections, and people I thought I could genuinely trust in my life.
Why is this affecting me now? I have no idea. It's something that still hasn't left me. It still keeps me up at night- Why would someone do these things? Why did this happen? What could I have done to stop it?

It put me back in 16 year old me's shoes, what was she doing? She was an anxiety ridden mess trying to get away from people and hide from everything... Then I realised I hadn't changed at all.

Deep down we're all still children who lacked something; Attention, a hug, that friend you could always turn to. In that moment of thinking about 16 year old me I remembered what she would have wanted. She wanted adventure into the middle of nowhere, pick a spot and pitch a tent. Get on a plane with a ticket you bought the day before. Take and major in Journalism because why not! Be spontaneous.

Hate to break it to you 16 year old Grae, you're scared of everything and everything is expensive.
This year I had 2 panic attacks that landed me in the hospital. I took a job that had me travelling around a 10 hour valley and staying in hotels by myself, being adventurous.
So I worked. I finally got enough money to buy myself a new lens, pay for school and start saving for a couple of trips to bust me out of my comfort zone.

It's time.

It's time for people to start realizing that you're not going to be established at 20 now-a-days. So major in Astronomy, or Fine Arts. Move away, get a hamster, say yes to life. Be Spontaneous.
Next year I'm hopping on a plane, or in a car and going. Anywhere that will allow me good photos. I finally want to give 16 year old me what she needed.

Comments

Post a Comment

Encouragement is always welcome!

Popular posts from this blog

Three Months Free

Image
For my Brother... Who I could never explain this feeling to, I hope this helps, and I hope you never feel this way.     Three months ago I struggled with migraines, chest pains and paranoia. I couldn't explain my feelings and everything hurt. I kept my anxiety/depression off of social media for years because it wasn't real to me. It was all in my head and people who had these things were weird and seeking attention.  Now that I am finally getting a handle on it I think it's time to share what it's actually about. (This leaves out bullying (School and religious groups), and work factors that contributed) When I was 11 I started to get chest pains, I had insomnia and random panic attacks about my family being killed or not coming back to my brother and I. Anxiety had worked it's way into my life in a very real way and was taking over my thoughts and my life. I stopped going to birthdays, social events and some days even school. For a few years after movin...
Read more

For my “Dog” People

Image
  Let’s talk about dogs for a minute.   There’s a lot of judgement about dog people, and people who aren’t dog people. I think that’s a bit silly.  Digging a bit deeper into dog and non dog people for a moment… Some people had dogs when they were younger and decided they were a lot of work, so they will stick with just one. Some rescue. Some try to have a dog and can’t due to underlying medical reasons. Some adopt other people’s dogs because they couldn’t find their own. Some have many dogs. Some foster puppy’s until they find great homes. Some have no dogs. Some just don’t like dogs.  What I’m saying is, if you’re a dog person that’s wonderful and if you’re not a dog person that’s also wonderful. But if someone isn’t a dog person, or can’t find that perfect puppy, don’t pester them. Maybe there’s hurt around losing a puppy that you don’t know about.  You just never know.  If you’ve made it this far you’ll know I’m not talking about “dogs”. It’s so importan...
Read more

A Plea to Equine Photographers

Image
  This is a general plea to people getting started in photography, as well as those who are seasoned and branching into other genres they may not be familiar with.   I’m niching down to specifically Equine events here, if I went into the Weddings “rabbit hole” I’d be in Wonderland a long time.  PLEASE. Take some time to learn and know what you’re shooting. You don’t need to have 15 years of experience, but if you’re unsure- ASK. The equine world is fragile because of the animals involved.  Using rodeo as a prime example, we are never getting rid of the naysayers, and we will never be able to inform those who just don’t want to learn. Things get worse when those who are inexperienced or naive about these sports get cameras.  Keep in mind that the people in your photos have feelings and everyone sees things differently. Animals involved especially! I ask constantly if I can post buck-offs if they look rough, I will never post one if someone gets hurt and I won’t e...
Read more