What brings it on?

I am sitting before work going through Facebook, scrolling like most people do, finding people I went to high school with and some I've never met. Their feeds are full of parties, concerts, friends and just all around fun.


I wish I could do this.
I wish I could go to work without getting nervous.
I wish I could go to take photos without throwing up.
I wish I could watch intense movies that make your heart race and you cry your eyes out.
I wish I could go to places with loud music.
I wish I could get off my butt and take my dog for a walk without feeling sick about leaving the house.

I'm tired of anxiety. I don't want to have to keep searching for new medication, or have people tell me it's all in my head.

I'm tired of people asking me if I'm ok.
I'm tired if people asking me if I "can do this".
I'm tired of feeling sick.
I'm tired of not going out.
I'm tired of limiting my choices.
I'm tired of people looking at me like I'm crazy.

It's not in my head. I genuinely have no idea what the hell is going on. Sure, talk me down. But my heart just started racing. I'm gonna puke. I can't breathe. My head is spinning. I'm so dizzy. My chest hurts. I feel like I'm having a heart attack. But I know I'm not. Maybe I'll die.

Maybe that would be better...

No don't say that.

But maybe it would be.

Keep trying to talk me down.
"What brought it on?"
I just said I don't know! I was standing here and all of a sudden my palms started to sweat.
"Why are you getting defensive?"
I'm not defensive I FEEL LIKE HELL.
"Why are you yelling at ME for this?"
I'm not yelling at you, yes I am but I don't mean to. It's not you it's all me. It's my head. What's wrong with me!

There's nothing wrong with you. You're unbalanced.


I'm tired of being unbalanced. I'm tired of making excuses for my anxiety, or being told it's all in my head. I'm just...



So Tired.

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