Anxiety's last hurrah
I can honestly say I've never been so exhausted in my life.
After being on medication for nearly a year I felt that I was in a strong enough place to stop and be ok on my own. I went three months without my medication before I began feeling exhausted and run down all the time. I watched TV until 12 sometimes 2 in the morning to escape my thoughts, I didn't sleep when I tried and studying was a chore.
After my week of exams I started working full time hours again, which at my job was easy to do because my coworkers (boss included) were so damn wonderful. But my sleep continued to be patchy and out of sorts, forcing me back into the doctors office. I asked about my sleep and the all around patterns I had been seeing in myself, landing myself back on my original medication and dosage. After an array of flu symptoms and a numb face, I went to see a different Dr because mine wasn't in the office. After pokes and prodes it was determined that I hadn't had a stoke. Yay? But I may have shingles. I was told to keep an eye on things and if my face went from numbness to a rash I was supposed to come back in... But I wasn't aloud to take my medication or anything to sleep...
I went back to work that day feeling defeated, having not done a full shift since the week before. I got dizzy, my face went number and I felt like I was going to throw up. My coworker graciously took my close and I went home to panic and be sick (er than I already was).
That night I didn't sleep at all. I shook, I twitched, I was cold and I was sick. The sun rose the next morning and my soul cried. I sobbed for hours until my councellors appointment and long after that. After working through the emotional side of things I kept my follow up doctors appointment with MY doctor and went to see her the following day. There was a very small chance that the numbness was caused by my medication, so I was told to go back on it as well as keep a week off of work because it takes a while for the medication to set in.
I felt guilty and sick again. I had to take a week off of work... I was keeping my family up at night, I was cancelling plans and making myself sicker in the process.
I had a photography class booked for that weekend with two of my favorite photographers, and went to it to clear my head, it was the first time I felt normal in a long time.
The Monday after the class my face was numb again. I couldn't drive, I was dizzy and I was sick all over again. I forced myself out of the house to walk the dog, but did little more than that. After an osteopath appointment on the Tuesday I got myself out of the house to the BMX track to take more photos, the rest of the week I drove my brother to school and actually managed to see a friend and be normal for a day.
The night after that I hit rock bottom... I couldn't breath, my chest was tight, my face was numb and my back started to go numb behind my ribs. I woke up every 2 hours and had an anxiety attack, as well as the numbness, and nausea. I landed myself in the emergency room for the third year in a row, the first being for my appendicitis surgery, and the following for anxiety again. I sobbed through the emergency room as my face, ribs and back were numb and I had no idea why. I hated the hospital. I wasn't sick. I was... well. I had no idea what I was. The doctor came into the room and tested my reflexes and my strength, finally he looked at me and asked me more questions. It's all anxiety. I have no signs of stroke or clotting, the anxiety has taken over my mind and my body. Again, I was given Ativan to help me sleep as well as the ok to stay on my regular pills.
Anxiety isn't something that I take lightly anymore, and it just so happens that my depression goes hand-in-hand with it. I can convince myself that I have almost anything and it's scary. Supporting other people has always come naturally to me and now it's finally time for the focus to be on me. I've never spent time on myself.
Today, after Dr appointments, blood tests, chiropractor apts, osteopathy, and countless councilling appointments I am feeling better. I am taking time for ME.
After being on medication for nearly a year I felt that I was in a strong enough place to stop and be ok on my own. I went three months without my medication before I began feeling exhausted and run down all the time. I watched TV until 12 sometimes 2 in the morning to escape my thoughts, I didn't sleep when I tried and studying was a chore.
After my week of exams I started working full time hours again, which at my job was easy to do because my coworkers (boss included) were so damn wonderful. But my sleep continued to be patchy and out of sorts, forcing me back into the doctors office. I asked about my sleep and the all around patterns I had been seeing in myself, landing myself back on my original medication and dosage. After an array of flu symptoms and a numb face, I went to see a different Dr because mine wasn't in the office. After pokes and prodes it was determined that I hadn't had a stoke. Yay? But I may have shingles. I was told to keep an eye on things and if my face went from numbness to a rash I was supposed to come back in... But I wasn't aloud to take my medication or anything to sleep...
I went back to work that day feeling defeated, having not done a full shift since the week before. I got dizzy, my face went number and I felt like I was going to throw up. My coworker graciously took my close and I went home to panic and be sick (er than I already was).
That night I didn't sleep at all. I shook, I twitched, I was cold and I was sick. The sun rose the next morning and my soul cried. I sobbed for hours until my councellors appointment and long after that. After working through the emotional side of things I kept my follow up doctors appointment with MY doctor and went to see her the following day. There was a very small chance that the numbness was caused by my medication, so I was told to go back on it as well as keep a week off of work because it takes a while for the medication to set in.
I felt guilty and sick again. I had to take a week off of work... I was keeping my family up at night, I was cancelling plans and making myself sicker in the process.
I had a photography class booked for that weekend with two of my favorite photographers, and went to it to clear my head, it was the first time I felt normal in a long time.
The Monday after the class my face was numb again. I couldn't drive, I was dizzy and I was sick all over again. I forced myself out of the house to walk the dog, but did little more than that. After an osteopath appointment on the Tuesday I got myself out of the house to the BMX track to take more photos, the rest of the week I drove my brother to school and actually managed to see a friend and be normal for a day.
The night after that I hit rock bottom... I couldn't breath, my chest was tight, my face was numb and my back started to go numb behind my ribs. I woke up every 2 hours and had an anxiety attack, as well as the numbness, and nausea. I landed myself in the emergency room for the third year in a row, the first being for my appendicitis surgery, and the following for anxiety again. I sobbed through the emergency room as my face, ribs and back were numb and I had no idea why. I hated the hospital. I wasn't sick. I was... well. I had no idea what I was. The doctor came into the room and tested my reflexes and my strength, finally he looked at me and asked me more questions. It's all anxiety. I have no signs of stroke or clotting, the anxiety has taken over my mind and my body. Again, I was given Ativan to help me sleep as well as the ok to stay on my regular pills.
Anxiety isn't something that I take lightly anymore, and it just so happens that my depression goes hand-in-hand with it. I can convince myself that I have almost anything and it's scary. Supporting other people has always come naturally to me and now it's finally time for the focus to be on me. I've never spent time on myself.
Today, after Dr appointments, blood tests, chiropractor apts, osteopathy, and countless councilling appointments I am feeling better. I am taking time for ME.
For more photos visit: www.gralynjphotos.wix.com/official
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